Disclaimer: First off, I haven't been slacking on the blog by choice. Long story short- I made a Gmail account to make the blog account and I forgot the username. It's weird because I use the same E-mail name for most anything, but apparently when I started this blog I thought I was gonna be the coolest dude around and try something new. It worked about as well as a banana wearing pajamas. (And if there's anyone reading this blog that thinks bananas in pajamas work, the need to move on from the late 90s).
Now, on to the best three minutes of my life this weekend (Please don't judge the state of my life after I explain this).
There I was, sitting with J-Cuz at 2 a.m. on a Friday night watching some crappy movie on T.V. when low-and-behold a sequence of brilliant commercials began. First, the folks that run the advertising at the Snuggy corporation turned an info commercial into persuasion gold by panning people dressed in Snuggies doing the Macarena.
That in itself would of turned my medicore night into a night that rivals the night I saw the Crocs' commercial where they did Thriller, but it got better! Directly after the Snuggie commercial a Catheter company decided that enough of it's target audience was watching and they decided to inform the world on the process of purchasing sterile catheters for bargain basement prices! (Evidently the catheter industry has invested a significant amount of money, like $47 and a pack of Big League Chew considering the commercial's time slot, to combat the idea that it's okay to re-use one's catheter).
So there I was on what felt like the cloud nine of laughing at this disturbing sequence of late night commercials when the Television gods decided to bless me once more, this time with an Ostomy product manufacturer's commercial.
Quick Explanation: an Ostomy refers to the surgically created opening in the body for the discharge of body wastes.
Don't worry, I didn't know what it was either until I Googled it during the commercial. Needless to say there's nothing that moves that type of product off the shelf like scenes of elderly folk walking through parks and waiving off the public restrooms because they just made a giant purchase from this company.
J-Cuz and I didn't watch television for three days after this miracle.
Oh ya, I know why I'm always late in the mornings to just about anything. Sleepy me has no concept of how long it takes me to travel places. Awake me knows it takes 20-25 minutes to get to work in the morning, sleepy me is convinced I can exceed the speed of light and arrive in five minutes.
Conclusion: I need to quit watching Back to the Future as I fall alseep and it is time to sell the DeLorean.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
Paper explosions and the ballad of the Rolodex
My desk looks like a paper suicide bomber hit it.
Brochures are bunkering under the wine glass (completely unused unfortunately, just a sample sent to us by a product company). Newsletters and grant drafts have started a support group near the old desktop computer, which was used for 8 hours on my very first day of work, before I got a laptop. Golf tournament hats and a half eaten package of sprees are shooting the breeze near a display for a silent auction package donated by a photographer. A barren Rolodex sits near the edge. He looks like he's contemplating to end it all. I can't stop him, silly Rolodex, computers and cell phones hold phone numbers waaay better than you do!
Rolodex: There's no point to living, I haven't been turned ever, I'm still a turn virgin.
Me: Well, maybe if you didn't take more than 15 seconds to help me find a contact you'd have lost that v-card.
Rolodex- Maybe you should stop and smell the roses and take your eyes off the damn computer!
Me: Hey, the computer gets me, she can pull up the contact I need in 5 seconds. You sir are an embarrassment to contact finding, and I would further encourage you to take that jump into the trashcan full of paper I finally had the guts to throw away.
Rolodex: Fine!
Me: Wait, no, I need you, but not for utilitarian purposes, cause, seriously, you're way outdated. I need you to hold all these freaking business cards I get from every single person I accidentally look at during a networking event. Plus, you make my desk look somewhat professional.
Rolodex: I hate myself and you.
When I attempt to clean my desk, I just end up shoving a bunch of those papers into a file cabinet or I trade a sea of papers for a set of neatly stacked papers (with no actual semblance of order to them, more or less stacked because they were within the vicinity of the papers they were stacked with).
Two days later the paper bomber generally hits again. When will the world go paperless and stop all this madness?
Brochures are bunkering under the wine glass (completely unused unfortunately, just a sample sent to us by a product company). Newsletters and grant drafts have started a support group near the old desktop computer, which was used for 8 hours on my very first day of work, before I got a laptop. Golf tournament hats and a half eaten package of sprees are shooting the breeze near a display for a silent auction package donated by a photographer. A barren Rolodex sits near the edge. He looks like he's contemplating to end it all. I can't stop him, silly Rolodex, computers and cell phones hold phone numbers waaay better than you do!
Rolodex: There's no point to living, I haven't been turned ever, I'm still a turn virgin.
Me: Well, maybe if you didn't take more than 15 seconds to help me find a contact you'd have lost that v-card.
Rolodex- Maybe you should stop and smell the roses and take your eyes off the damn computer!
Me: Hey, the computer gets me, she can pull up the contact I need in 5 seconds. You sir are an embarrassment to contact finding, and I would further encourage you to take that jump into the trashcan full of paper I finally had the guts to throw away.
Rolodex: Fine!
Me: Wait, no, I need you, but not for utilitarian purposes, cause, seriously, you're way outdated. I need you to hold all these freaking business cards I get from every single person I accidentally look at during a networking event. Plus, you make my desk look somewhat professional.
Rolodex: I hate myself and you.
When I attempt to clean my desk, I just end up shoving a bunch of those papers into a file cabinet or I trade a sea of papers for a set of neatly stacked papers (with no actual semblance of order to them, more or less stacked because they were within the vicinity of the papers they were stacked with).
Two days later the paper bomber generally hits again. When will the world go paperless and stop all this madness?
Thursday, November 4, 2010
"Cooking from scratch" experiment
I cooked chili from scratch last night. My roommate, who is also my cousin and will henceforth be referred to as "J-Cuz" cause I'm a dork like that, he did not believe me. In fact, he looked a little nervous when I pointed to the pot simmering on the oven.
Things to know about me- I rarely cook. If I liked a woman enough to cook for her she usually earned macaroni and cheese with toast. When I was 15 my mom taught me to cook my great-grandmothers meatloaf. Let me tell ya, I have yet to have a woman take me up on an offer to let me cook her meatloaf. That is the least sexy meal ever.
Me- Hey, how bout we stay in and I can cook tonight
Attractive woman- That sounds nice, what were you thinking of making
Me- My great grandmothers secret meatloaf
Attractive woman- I think it's time we see other people. Or not, I just think it's time we see less of each other. Or maybe none of each other.
Me- Damn you unsexy meatloaf!
That's how that plays out in my head.
That being said, the chili wasn't that bad. FYI there was nothing healthy about it, it had pepperoni in it for crying out loud! But J-Cuz and I wolfed it down.
I was also surprised out how many cooking-from-scratch supplies I lacked in my kitchen. Seriously, I had to buy basic things such as chili powder, sugar and beef bouillon. Come to think of it, I don't have any flour, cooking oil or the likes either. Lets be honest though, you never purchase that stuff at the grocery store unless you need it for a specific item you're cooking/baking. Who rolls into the grocery store and cleans out the spice racks and baking supply aisle because "They're running low on that stuff"?
"Uh-oh it's 2 a.m. and I'm down to two cans of cream of mushroom soup, are there any 24 hour grocery stores I can use to fill that void? I don't think I can sleep until this task is accomplished."
J-Cuz and I are still alive after my foray into "from-scratch" cooking. I think that's a win Iceman.
Things to know about me- I rarely cook. If I liked a woman enough to cook for her she usually earned macaroni and cheese with toast. When I was 15 my mom taught me to cook my great-grandmothers meatloaf. Let me tell ya, I have yet to have a woman take me up on an offer to let me cook her meatloaf. That is the least sexy meal ever.
Me- Hey, how bout we stay in and I can cook tonight
Attractive woman- That sounds nice, what were you thinking of making
Me- My great grandmothers secret meatloaf
Attractive woman- I think it's time we see other people. Or not, I just think it's time we see less of each other. Or maybe none of each other.
Me- Damn you unsexy meatloaf!
That's how that plays out in my head.
That being said, the chili wasn't that bad. FYI there was nothing healthy about it, it had pepperoni in it for crying out loud! But J-Cuz and I wolfed it down.
I was also surprised out how many cooking-from-scratch supplies I lacked in my kitchen. Seriously, I had to buy basic things such as chili powder, sugar and beef bouillon. Come to think of it, I don't have any flour, cooking oil or the likes either. Lets be honest though, you never purchase that stuff at the grocery store unless you need it for a specific item you're cooking/baking. Who rolls into the grocery store and cleans out the spice racks and baking supply aisle because "They're running low on that stuff"?
"Uh-oh it's 2 a.m. and I'm down to two cans of cream of mushroom soup, are there any 24 hour grocery stores I can use to fill that void? I don't think I can sleep until this task is accomplished."
J-Cuz and I are still alive after my foray into "from-scratch" cooking. I think that's a win Iceman.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
I am a blog murderer
It's true. There are like 2 or 3 dead blogs out there that I created, breathed life into by posting one or two posts, and then I just forgot/ignored them.
I think by now the blog police must be on to me. They've deployed blog CSI to examine the crime scene and the blog Behavioral Analysis Unit is enroute to study the victimology and prove that a serial blog killer is on the loose.
So I did the logical thing. I started another blog. Hey, don't act like you wouldn't have done the same thing. It's not like people quite speeding in their vehicle after they've received 25 moving violations in a 10-year period and cannot legally purchase a motorized scooter in the state of Louisiana.
Maybe this blog could live. Maybe it could go on to be a great political voice. Maybe it could be the next "it" humor site. Maybe this blog could change lives. But most likely, it will be a dumping spot for my random thoughts, complaints and generally humorous views on my life, and life in general I guess. I have no qualms taking, and subsequently making fun of, other peoples views on life.
Maybe it's time I begin rehabilitating myself before I'm forever banned from blogging.
I think by now the blog police must be on to me. They've deployed blog CSI to examine the crime scene and the blog Behavioral Analysis Unit is enroute to study the victimology and prove that a serial blog killer is on the loose.
So I did the logical thing. I started another blog. Hey, don't act like you wouldn't have done the same thing. It's not like people quite speeding in their vehicle after they've received 25 moving violations in a 10-year period and cannot legally purchase a motorized scooter in the state of Louisiana.
Maybe this blog could live. Maybe it could go on to be a great political voice. Maybe it could be the next "it" humor site. Maybe this blog could change lives. But most likely, it will be a dumping spot for my random thoughts, complaints and generally humorous views on my life, and life in general I guess. I have no qualms taking, and subsequently making fun of, other peoples views on life.
Maybe it's time I begin rehabilitating myself before I'm forever banned from blogging.
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